The Pressure to Feel Joyful: An Honest Look at Holiday Isolation
The holidays are often described as “the most wonderful time of the year,” yet for many people they bring quiet pressure, emotional exhaustion, and a deep sense of isolation. Even when surrounded by others, it’s possible to feel disconnected, unseen, or responsible for keeping everyone else happy.
In this conversation, Maui-based therapist Kristina Shimokawa, LMFT shares reflections on why so many of us feel lonely during the holidays and how Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and somatic awareness can help us reconnect with ourselves in the midst of seasonal stress.
Why the holidays feel heavy
Every year, I notice how much invisible pressure people carry to feel a certain way. We’re surrounded by messages that the holidays should be joyful, cozy, and connected. But underneath, many people are grieving, exhausted, or stretched thin. Even when you’re surrounded by family, there can be a quiet loneliness that comes from feeling unseen in your own experience.
The season tends to amplify everything that’s already tender. If you already feel disconnected or responsible for everyone’s emotions, the holidays magnify that. And when society tells us that connection should feel effortless, any loneliness starts to feel like a personal failure. But loneliness isn’t about being alone. It’s about not being met.
The weight of “making it magical”
For parents—especially mothers—the performance pressure can be intense. There’s a part that wants to create magic for everyone else and another part that feels depleted and unseen. I talk with so many mothers who end up feeling guilty for not enjoying the moments they worked so hard to create. That guilt often comes from a deep wish to nurture connection while forgetting that their own nervous system needs care too.
Meeting the overwhelmed parts
In my IFS and somatic work, we slow everything down. Instead of trying to fix the feeling, we get curious about which part is carrying the weight—maybe it’s the pleaser, the caretaker, or the one afraid to disappoint others. We notice where that energy lives in the body and invite breath or gentle movement to help it soften.
When someone reconnects with Self—the calm, compassionate awareness inside them—those parts begin to trust that they don’t have to carry everything alone.
Staying connected to yourself
If you feel trapped in family expectations or old dynamics, start by grounding in small, kind boundaries. Give yourself permission to step outside, take a walk, or say no to something that drains you. Protecting your energy is not selfish—it’s essential.
One IFS question I often share is, “What would help me stay with myself right now?” Sometimes it’s a few deep breaths before walking into a room. Sometimes it’s having an ally who knows your limits and can quietly help you step away when needed.
When you’re running on empty
If you realize you’re running on empty emotionally or energetically, begin by naming it. “I’m overwhelmed.” Let that be true without judgment. Then ask what would help your system feel just a little safer or softer. It could be a quiet morning, a slow drive, or turning off your phone for an hour. You don’t need a major reset—just small, intentional moments of exhale.
Connection, not performance
Real connection isn’t something you perform—it’s something you allow. The best moments of the holidays aren’t the ones that look perfect, they’re the ones that feel real. When you make space for authenticity instead of expectation, your heart can breathe again. That’s where true connection begins.
If this season feels heavy
If the holidays bring more pressure than peace, you’re not alone. Therapy can be a space to reconnect with your Self, honor your boundaries, and find compassion for the parts of you that are just trying to keep up.
You can learn more about IFS therapy, holiday mental health, and support for mothers and caregivers at journeywithkristina.com or connect with me on Maui, and throughout California and Hawai‘i for individual and intensive therapy options.
