Befriending Anxiety - How to Build a New Relationship With It

These days, all of our nervous systems are running on high alert. The unpredictable and often unsettling realities of our regional and global landscape — from community stressors to world events — keep us bracing for what’s next. It makes sense that anxiety is showing up more frequently and more intensely for so many of us.

When I think about anxiety in my own life or the lives of my clients, I would describe its role as the alarm bell for: “Uh oh, something bad could happen. We’ve got to do something about it.” It’s a messenger — pointing us toward action to manage, avoid, or prevent something that feels physically, mentally, or emotionally dangerous or uncomfortable.

I believe anxiety is something we need to have. We’re wired for it. Without it, we wouldn’t know when or how to take action. For example, if you’re driving and another car suddenly swerves toward you, that jolt of anxiety sharpens your attention and helps you react quickly. Anxiety in that moment keeps you safe.

At the same time, if anxiety takes over and becomes our default way of operating, it can cause harm. In IFS, we might say this is a part that has gotten stuck in an extreme protective role — it’s doing its best to protect us, but it’s over-functioning.

Over time, my perspective of anxiety has shifted, through my own personal work and through the work I do with clients. Operating from anxiety as a primary state impacts us and those around us in ways we don’t always see. We get caught in patterns of worry, rumination, irritability, hyperarousal, overstimulation, interrupted sleep. By getting to know this part of us — understanding it and having compassion for it — we help it get unstuck.

It takes time, practice, and patience, but just like any new skill, awareness builds gradually. With the IFS model, instead of a) letting anxiety take over automatically, or b) trying to push it away, we can begin to feel it, understand it, value it, and create enough pause for it to settle.

A New Relationship With Anxiety

A new relationship with anxiety can look like noticing it as soon as it shows up, rather than being overtaken without awareness. Once we recognize the body signals — a tight chest, racing thoughts, sweaty palms — we can pause and gently ask: What is this anxiety alerting me to right now?

When we understand what’s activating our anxiety, we can come up with options for how to respond. For example: you have an upcoming work presentation and anxiety tells you, “You’re not ready.” Instead of letting it spiral into panic or trying to suppress it, you pause and say: “Thank you for letting me know this matters. What can I do right now to feel prepared?” That might lead you to practice your slides once more, or to remind yourself you’ve done this before and survived.

Sometimes, anxiety needs to step in fully for our safety. But often, a new relationship means letting it step back when it’s not needed, allowing other qualities — calm, clarity, or confidence — to take the lead.

Practices for Befriending Anxiety

Here are some gentle, practical ways to shift your relationship with anxiety:

1. Name It, Don’t Shame It
   When anxiety shows up, acknowledge it: “I notice my anxiety is here.” Simply naming it creates space between you and the feeling.

2. Curiosity Over Criticism
   Ask your anxiety what it’s trying to do for you. Even if the strategy isn’t helpful, the intention is protective.

3. Body Scan + Breath Pause
   Place your hand where you feel the anxiety most (often chest or belly). Take three slow breaths there, imagining your hand as a comforting anchor.

4. Journal Dialogue
   Write a short conversation with your anxious part. Ask it what it’s afraid of, and what it needs from you right now.

5. Choose a Small Next Step
   Anxiety often floods us with big “what ifs.” Bring it back to one doable action: send the email, drink water, step outside.

An example

One of my clients noticed their anxiety spiking every night before bed. It told them: “You’re not safe. Something bad could happen if you fall asleep.” Instead of trying to push the fear away, they began placing a hand on their chest, breathing slowly, and saying: “Thank you for trying to protect me. I’m safe right now. You can rest while I rest.”

At first, the anxiety didn’t calm right away — but over time, this practice built a new relationship. The anxiety still showed up occasionally, but it no longer controlled their nights. It became one voice among many, not the only one running the show.

Turning toward your future

As I sit with clients (and in my own life), I notice how much our anxiety is not just personal, but collective. We are living through a time when our nervous systems are being asked to hold so much — uncertainty, conflict, constant change. No wonder our inner alarm bells are louder than ever.

What gives me hope is that even in this landscape, we still have choice. We can’t erase anxiety, but we can change our relationship with it. We can learn to pause, to listen, and to gently invite it to step back when it’s no longer needed. Over time, this builds not only resilience within ourselves but also ripples outward — into our families, our communities, and the world that feels so uncertain right now.

If there’s one message I want to leave you with, it’s this: anxiety doesn’t have to be your enemy. It can be your companion — alerting you, guiding you, and sometimes stepping aside so that your calm, clarity, and confidence can take the lead.